Ok, so I recieved my brown belt!! Dr. Kutz talked to Dave and I about our first black belt test being in January. It's an intimidating prospect, but I'm excited. When I started Tae Soo Do I wanted to get my black belt, but it seemed so far away. Even now with it so close I find myself wondering about it. I have a lot of work to do and I can't wait to get through it.

For the past few weeks I've been learning more about myself and I'm finding I don't like it.  I have lived in the constant fear of losing control of any part of my life. God has slowly been asking me to let go and give everything to Him. This is coming slowly. Each day I see some other way in which I haven't been trusting God.

I have a fear of being hurt. People may think that is silly because of my 'tough guy' exterior, but it's true. Very few people get to see the real me because if they do I have no control over what they may think, say, or do with that knowledge. This is one of a few reasons I haven't dated. In this state I'm fairly well protected. I can't really get hurt or anything. It's like the old fortresses. A good fortress kept out the enemy and deflected almost every attack that could be launched. However, those inside the fortress, while safe physically, couldn't obtain food, water, or any other necessity out of that. By keeping people away I am safe, but I lose so much. How will I ever truely live locked up? Yes, the risk is great and could hurt me, but I will gain the ability to recieve and, even better, give support to those around me.

I know this change will take time, but it's already starting. I'm practicing trust every day as much as I can. As one of my very wise professors said, the longer I'm outside my comfort zone, the more that becomes a part of my comfort zone.

Yes, I know that You have paved a path for me

Yes, I know that You see what I do and dont need

But when it comes to the deepest things

I have a hard time relinquishing control

Letting go

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down

But when I let go, freedoms found

God, it hurts to give You what Ive held so dear

Because of Your love its clear

I can trust You with this

I can trust You with me

I can trust You

Lord, I know that You are worthy of my trust

For You have shown me time and time again

Youre faithful and yet

Im so scared of letting go of this

Afraid of what you might do with it

How could I forget who You are like this?

Me forsaking

Heart is breaking

I let go of what Ive held so tight

Freedoms mine now

Rebecca St. James

(From the album If I Had One Chance to Tell You Something)

Let Go

So, this past week was...let's say, life changing? I went on a weekend lab trip with my Experiential Learning class. (Sarah will know exactly what I'm talking about) I had to go for this class to an adventure course up on Mt. Hood. The prof runs the course and he's a professional counsellor. I went into the weekend very apprehensive.

 Throughout the weekend I realized a lot about myself that I don't want to lose. I learned I can trust God with every part of me. I thought I could trust Him, but I don't. If I lose control of myself or a situation I'm in I become fearful and hide it under anger and frustration (or even a smile). This realization started with some simple activities, came out full blown with a mouse trap, and ended with my promise to trust God by jumping off a telephone pole. I'll tell you about it sometime....

I'M A BLUE BELT!!! Ok, just had to get that out. The test went really well. There were 5 of us testing two for orange, two for blue, and one for brown. Everyone did really well. The girl who tested for brown and I are challenging each other to be ready for black by next January (or at least preping for the test). The other blue belt will probably test with us as well. I don't know if you guys remember the guy speaker (not Kutz) from the demo at youth group last May, but he's testing for black now. We're all really excited for him. He did all 10 forms in 7 minutes last night. He was required to do them in 8. He has one test left and then a demonstration and he's a black belt. (When we test for black there is a series of 3 tests and a demo to decide if we get it or not. It's all a review of what we've learned, plus some extra stuff along with the old. Talk about hard!) Jonas will be the first Tae Soo Do black belt in Portland!! Also, I was presented with a letter last night (as were the other blue belt and the brown belt) inviting me to join the club as an assistant instructor. I would get a different uniform (it will have a black top instead of the white one) and be expected to help instruct the other students. It also means I'm a 'test dummy' for Kutz. (He takes it easy on the lower belts). So, now I'm really excited.

Now that I've bored you all with TSD, here's some food for thought. I've been talking to Jonas about what we're going to do when we graduate. We both want to start something for jr highers and highschoolers to come to for self defense training where they won't have to pay, but can just train. Also, this would be set up as a mentoring program as well so there would be a heavy emphasis on discipling the students there. My idea is to do more than martial arts though. I would love to make it a place where students can come and be tutored for free or practice an instrument and to just hang out playing bastketball or something. This is one of many things stewing in my brain at the moment, but I was thinking I could maybe talk with Kutz and some other people about setting it up. I have a basic plan in mind, but getting the volunteers, time, and resources is a different story. I'm excited about maybe starting something like that, but I know I can't until the time is right and God says it's time. I don't know if that time is now or after my black belt, but I'm praying about it. Well, that's it for me. Sorry it's so long, I'm just thinking about a lot right now.